Friday, May 29, 2015

6 Unique Uses for a Loaf of Bread if You Forget to Put the Damn Salt In and Songs by @SisterSniffle

I would like to say we've all done this. But the truth is, most people these days can't bake a simple loaf of bread to save their lives. If most people can't pick something up off the shelf at the supermarket it isn't going to happen. 

Even most of the stuff people call homemade these days depends on some preprocessed ingredients or a box of premixed something or other.

I'm not suggesting we should all press our own olive oil, or slaughter our own meat, although the closer we can get to that, the better. But no, I'm just talking about a simple loaf of bread. 

The process is so easy. Water, yeast, maybe sugar, or honey, oil or butter, take a bike ride, let it rise, and voila! Right?

I've done it a million times. Yes?

OH! That's right! I forgot to mention SALT! 

So, as I was saying, I would like to say we've all done this before, put all the ingredients in our recipe, only to be distracted by, let's just say, hypothetically, your ten year old son who is running around the house, running behind you as you're trying to make your dough, with his plastic toy light saber and hitting you, over and over, just manically hitting you on the butt. 

Maybe he's just giggling like a crazy person, running around through the kitchen, down the hallway, back through the dining room and again, and again..."SWAT!" and "Giggle, giggle, giggle!" Or... something like that. It could be any distraction I guess. 

That's just my example, for some reason. 

So you put all the ingredients in your dough, go through the process, smell that awesome bread baking smell, pull it out fresh and hot from the oven, dab a little butter on it... MMMMMMM!

Somehow, in one of those timeless, paradoxically Zeno-ish moments, you actually taste it before it hits your mouth. And you realize you've forgotten the salt. Truly a baking tragedy has occured. 

Of course, this is a first world problem. Of course, the loaves should be eaten anyway. Of course, you can just salt the butter and make do. And of course, that isn't what happens. As a truly modern human, the choice is simple..."BLOG." I can use this as an excuse to fill up the world with more blogging, specifically...lists.

As part two of my ten part series on ridiculous list making articles I thought it would be nice, or rather...appropriately ridiculous, to help the reader find some unique uses for "bread with no salt in." 

Given the current subject matter at hand, which is "bread with no salt in," and that the writer was also the baker, one might question whether such a list is something the reader could even find useful. 

In fact, one might presume to think I will fail to include all of the pertinent information due to some inherent lack of focus.

All I can say to that is it hurts my feelings and makes me want to cry. I know I'm the one making it all up in my head before I've even finished writing. But I'm imagining you reading this and you thinking I'm stupid and that hurts my feelings terribly and it makes me want to cry. 

The more I think about it, the more I think a bunch of people will read this and everyone will be laughing at me. And now I'm really embarrassed and quite sad! I'm not sure I should even finish this...

Hold on, my son is running around behind me... I'll be right back....

OK, where was I? 

Yes... Here is my list of possible uses for a loaf of bread which you screwed up by being distracted by your son being freakish and hitting you on the butt...or whatever.

#1:  This might work better for you than it did for me. I tried to get the bread to write the rest of this article, or rather "article" for me, but all it wanted to do was draw silly pictures and try to philosophize above its pay grade. 

I'm not saying I didn't like the picture. Quite genius actually. But it really wasn't helping me accomplish my deadline. 



#2: Since the loaf of bread really couldn't get it together enough to produce something I could use in the creative department, I decided it might be more useful at handling some of the chores around the house. 

The first one I tried was letting it do a little yard work. But it was raining, so it, and I, decided this might not be the best idea. The loaf got a little soggy and needed a long rest afterwards and a bit of drying off. 

Nobody likes working in the rain I guess.  
#3: Not wanting to give up on the idea of free help around the house, we tried a little kitchen work. 

I was still baking bread and needed help with some of the slicing and packing. For some reason, this just seemed to make the little fella freak out and sob uncontrollably. 

I'm not going to claim to be an expert on the psychology of bread loaves. But I think it might have had something to do with repressed memories. 

Or hell, maybe it was just chemical. Sometimes the reason is less important than the solution. But this wasn't really working out either.  

#4: OK. So when faced with all the unexpected, uncontrollable blubbering that kitchen work seemed to bring out, I decided I needed to lighten up a little, let everybody have some fun. 

I pulled Mr. Monkey out of his cage and let him and the bread ride down the stairs together. This was a blast for all of us. 

We had tons of fun and it could have gone on forever. The noise was a little much for my kids. And I had to run my son off the stairs where he was now sitting and watching something, probably terribly inappropriate for his age, on his Kindle. But I didn't have time to supervise my kids. I was busy dealing with this saltless hunk of bread. 

I did realize, unfortunately, that all this horseplay wasn't getting anything of any real value accomplished. So I decided I had better get back to my task of listing stuff, which is very productive, helpful to society and people love. 

#6: After the bread got to the bottom of the stairs and I crammed Mr. Monkey back into his cage thinking I could now finish my very important list, I had a sort of epiphany.

Why not just leave the loaf of bread at the bottom of the stairs and use it to prop open the door.

I had originally intended to make this a list of ten things to do with a crapped up loaf of bread. But, let's face it, this is getting old quickly. 

So in the end I decided it might be best just to make it a list of six things to do with a crapped up loaf of bread you forgot to put salt in cause your kid is messing with you while you're trying to bake.

I got a little distracted while writing this, I'll admit. So I hope I got all that right. Sometimes getting things right depends on subleties.  

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